January 5, 2025

The Medal of Freedom is the highest civilian award in the United States. It's given to individuals who have made "exceptional contributions" to society. Translation? It’s the award they hand out when you’re too accomplished to ignore but not quite ready for your face on a stamp.

But have you ever stopped to wonder: How do I get one of these shiny badges of awesomeness? If you think it involves years of sacrifice, groundbreaking achievements, or unwavering patriotism, think again! This is America, where anything is possible—and that includes accidentally earning the Medal of Freedom.

Let’s dive into some foolproof (and funny) ways you, too, can become a Medal of Freedom recipient.

1. Save a Cat (But Make It Epic)

Forget storming the beaches of Normandy or curing diseases. Real heroes are made in the suburbs.
Imagine this: You climb a tree to save Mrs. Jenkins’ tabby, Fluffernutter. As the neighborhood cheers, someone records the whole thing on TikTok. It goes viral, Oprah calls, and next thing you know—bam! You’re on stage at the White House receiving the Medal of Freedom. Bonus points if Fluffernutter photobombs the ceremony.

2. Become a Meme

Cultural contributions matter. If you’ve ever seen someone win this award for their work in the arts or media, you might have thought, "Wow, they must be a genius." Nope. All you need is to become a meme legend.
Remember the guy who dramatically sipped cranberry juice on a skateboard? Imagine if he also played the national anthem on a kazoo while doing it. Medal. Of. Freedom.

3. Invent Something Completely Unnecessary

Past recipients of the Medal of Freedom include scientists and inventors. But why cure cancer when you can give the world something it didn’t know it needed?
For example:

  • A toaster that tweets your bread’s temperature.
  • Socks that vibrate to the beat of "The Star-Spangled Banner."
  • A Roomba that whispers motivational quotes while it vacuums.

When people start calling you the “Elon Musk of Uselessness,” your invite from the President is practically guaranteed.

4. Befriend a President

Let’s face it: knowing a President is the ultimate hack. History proves that if you’ve spent any amount of time near a Commander-in-Chief, you’re in the running for a medal. Did you accidentally hold the door open for one at Starbucks? Medal. Did you pet their dog at a fundraiser? Medal.

Pro tip: Start stalking any politician with ambitions for 2028. Trust me, you’ll be pinning that medal on your wall faster than you can say “campaign trail.”

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5. Survive Something Ridiculous

America loves an underdog story. If you find yourself in a wacky, yet survivable, situation, congratulations—you’re halfway to Medal of Freedom fame. Think “accidentally skydived into a shark tank but lived to tell the tale.”
The key is to turn your survival into a best-selling book or a feel-good Netflix special. By the time your third interview on Good Morning America rolls around, the Medal is practically being shipped via FedEx.

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6. Be Mysteriously Old and Adorable

Have you noticed that old people doing cute things always win awards? If you’re over 80 and still doing yoga, playing the harmonica, or baking pies for your local fire department, you’ve got this in the bag. Bonus points if you have an adorable nickname like “Grandpa Freedom” or “The Medal Baker.”

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7. Tweet Your Way to the Top

In the age of social media, you don’t need to change the world—you just need a killer Twitter account. Start with wholesome content, sprinkle in some inspirational quotes, and top it off with an occasional viral roasting of pineapple pizza. The internet will love you, and sooner or later, the President will too.

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Conclusion: Your Medal Awaits!

Getting the Medal of Freedom isn’t as impossible as it seems. Whether you save Fluffernutter, survive a shark tank, or become the next meme sensation, remember this: The journey to greatness is paved with humor, luck, and maybe a tiny dose of actual effort.

So, what’s your plan to win this prestigious prize? Share it in the comments—or better yet, send this blog to the President. I’m still waiting for my medal.

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